She Knew
by ryro
Summary: So when it finally happened, she was not surprised. Her dreams had told her it was coming. Her nightmares, I should say, had warned her of the inevitable. The inevitable she had tried to deny. But there was no denying it. No changing it. No escaping it.


And she knew.

Somehow before it even began, she knew.  
Her dreams had told her so. For weeks they had been haunting her. Warning her of the inevitable that she had so foolishly tried to escape. She knew.

But she denied.  
She knew, but she denied.

Denied the inevitable. Such a stupid act.

If the stars had layed out their fate, there was no changing it.

No Changing.  
No Denying.

She knew.

So when it finally happened, she was not surprised.  
Her dreams had told her it was coming.

Her nightmares, I should say, had warned her of the inevitable.

The inevitable she had tried to deny.

But there was no denying it.

No changing it.

No escaping it.

She knew.

Harry's screams filled the room but Lily's ears were numb to the sound, as everything that was her was purely focused within the hazel eyes she had come to depend on to brighten her days. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks, but she could not feel their haunting caress against her cheeks. She did not care for their significance, for their purpose, just let them fall to the ground and splash upon the wooden floor of her bedroom, to be lost and forgotten forever. Everything she had within her was begging him not to leave her, not to walk out that door and face what lay beyond it. She couldn't live without James.

Lily's nails dug into his arm, her grip tighter than she believed herself capable of as she held him back from the door. She would not let James sacrifice himself for her and Harry. For even if she lived and he died, Lily knew that she would never truly take another breath again. For her life without him would not be a life, even with Harry. The sun would rise and be swallowed into darkness, pointless and worthless. For sunshine would be the rain without him. A smile would be a tear without him. And laughter a haunting cry.

She was aware of her protesting screams and sobs, but her ears were as numb to her own cries as they were to her beloved son's. Nothing else mattered but James. One second seemed to last a lifetime as Lily breathed in that everlasting moment, aware only of the pain which maimed her very being. Suffocated her into a sorrow and suffering she didn't care for.

All that mattered was James.

For she knew.

She knew there was no defeating the Dark Lord.  
Knew that if James walked out the door, he would never return.  
Knew that she couldn't let him go. 

She knew.

James tried to pull from her grasp but she would not let him go, no matter how hard his efforts. She stared into the depths of his very soul and cried, "Don't you dare leave me!" so loud that it echoed around the room, and Lily felt the powerful blow of each separate word as all her senses came rushing back to her at once. She stumbled and fell to the ground in a ball of tears and unexplainable agony, hugging her knees to her chest and shaking as her entire world crumbled and crashed to the ground, accompanied by the screams of her son, which tore through her like a bullet through flesh. James was crying now too and he fell to his knees before his one and only love, picking up her shaking form and holding her in his arms.

Lily gave in to his loving caress, falling into his chest and letting her tears drench his shirt. She had ironed that shirt for him that morning, and he had smiled at her in thanks and put it on before they ate their breakfast and tended to their son. A regular morning. Since they had gone into hiding they had tried to keep their life as normal as they possibly could. It had been a regular morning. And how Lily wished she could have returned.

Somehow even then, though, she knew.

As she woke to his kisses.

As she ironed his shirt.

As she cradled her son in her arms.

She knew.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew.

She knew.

James' fingers tangled themselves within Lily's already-messy fiery hair as he held her tightly to him, whispering into her ear, "I have to go, Lily. I have to go to protect you, to protect our son. You need to live, Harry needs to live, you deserve to live. And even if I don't return I know that I will rest easier if I know you are alive and well. If I don't come back, you have to run! Run as far and as fast as you can! You need to live, Lily!" His words had grown strong and powerful in her ear and she sobbed like an infant into his chest, holding him tightly, not willing to let him go, not willing to let him leave her.

"But you can't go," Lily whimpered, her words barely audible amongst her sobs and tears, "I won't let you go. I can't live without you, I won't live without you! Why don't you understand that, James? I love you! I should tell you every second of every minute of every day! I love you, I love you, I love you! Don't leave me! You can't!"

Lily heard his shuddering breaths over Harry's persistent wailing and that only intensified her pain. James hugged her to him immensely tightly before releasing her and standing. Lily was so afraid then. She had let go of him in that one moment and he had left her.

"No!" She shouted, scrambling to her feet, but was relieved, however slightly, to see him make his way over to Harry's crib. Reaching in, James picked up the screaming boy and cradled him in his strong arms, making shushing noises and rocking the little boy back and forth. Harry instantly silenced, his emerald eyes curious and he smiled up at his father. James let out a heart broken sob and his chin dropped to his chest, a tear falling from his eye and landing on Harry's forehead with an all-too-audible splash.

"I'm sorry, Harry" He whispered to his son in a pained voice, "Believe me when I say that I'm sorry. Take care of your mother for me, my little man,-" with a shaking hand James tweaked Harry's nose, "-I'm sorry… I love you!"

She knew.

She knew he would leave.

Now he had said goodbye to his son.

She knew.  
He was going to leave her.  
For good.

Never to return.  
She knew.

And as he laid his son in the crib and turned back to her, she knew.  
She knew this would be goodbye.  
And she knew sometimes goodbyes really were forever.  
She knew.

She knew.

"I really did love you, Lily… all those years that you hated me." James said softly, looking across at Lily. The few metres between them felt like a million miles and Lily felt more alone than ever, "I never stopped loving you. I still love you!"

"Oh James, I never hated you!" Lily sobbed, "I just never wanted to admit that I loved you! Please, I'm begging you, don't leave me! I can't… I can't…" She broke off; hanging her head and watching her tears fall in slow motion to the floor. Lily saw herself falling with them. No-one caring for her significance, for her purpose, just letting her fall to the ground, to be lost and forgotten forever. But soon James' arms were around her once more and she felt herself swept away in his warmth as his hot tears fell upon her bare neck.

"I can't live without you!" Lily finished as James held her chin up to look her in the eye, and kissed away each individual tear from her cheeks. He was so wonderful, so perfect that Lily wondered what she had ever done to deserve his love.

Lily wept the rain that night. She let her tears fall as droplets do from storm clouds in the gloomiest day of winter. Water Lily. James had used to call her that when she had cried. But now what was she? The Lily had wilted, leaving her nothing but tears of sorrow, of pain, of agony. Tears of a love she knew she was about to lose.

James held her at arms length and admired each and every detail of her face. Lily knew that in movies, when the women cried, they still looked absolutely radiant, and cursed her puffy eyes and red cheeks despite the fact she was the most radiant image in the world to James. He stared at her for everlasting moments as time swept away like the sea, his hazel eyes sheeted with tears and clouded with pain.

Then he kissed her.

That one kiss, that one gesture of love, meant more than a universe in its entirety. It was indescribable, unexplainable. Lily's knees grew weak and her arms wrapped around James' neck, her nails digging into his shoulder blades as she fell into the hunger and intimacy of the kiss James bestowed upon her. And she returned it with every last bit of strength, love, passion and hunger she could find within herself. Her entire life had led up to this one moment. This one moment in which she would give everything to the man she loved, her husband, her one and only. Till death do them part. What a cruel and unjust vow it was, for Lily now knew that not even death could separate her and James. They would always be together. For ever and always. All this came to her in one kiss. Every moment she had ever had with James flashed through her mind and she felt a fresh batch of tears spring to her eyes as she saw all these encounters. When she first met the boy with the messy black hair and the cocky grin, the first time he asked her out, the first time she said yes, the first time he told her he loved her, their first kiss, when they first made love, their wedding day, the birth of their son, and now this. But somehow this was so much more. It said everything that needed to be said, but could not even begin to be expressed in words.

And when he finally drew back, she knew.

She knew that this had to happen.  
She knew fate was inevitable. 

She knew.

James smiled sadly at her and Lily, silently crying, slowly unwrapped her arms from his neck and took a step back, her tear-streaked face shining in the dim light of the room.

And she whispered love.  
And he breathed desire.  
And she cried intimacy.  
And he smiled truth.

And with that he turned to leave.

His hand inches away from the doorknob, James paused and turned back to face her.

"Lily," He said softly, tears in his eyes, "You have to do one thing for me…"  
Lily nodded ever-so-slowly, "Anything."

"Smile" He told her, "You're never more beautiful than when you smile!"

And she complied.

And she knew.

He smiled and kissed his fingers, touching them to his chest.  
She did the same.

And she knew.

She knew that right then when he turned to leave would be the end.  
The end for him.  
The end for her.

The end for everything she had ever known.

And she knew.  
Her dreams had told her so.  
And she had denied.  
Denied the inevitable.  
But there was no changing it.  
No denying it.

No escaping it.

She knew.

There was no defeating the Dark Lord.  
He would never return.

She knew.

As she woke to his kisses.  
As she ironed his shirt.  
As she cradled her son.  
Somewhere in the back of her mind.

She knew.

He was going to leave her.

For good.

Never to return.

She knew.

This would be goodbye.  
And sometimes goodbyes really were forever.

She knew.

And when he kissed her.  
She knew.

_She knew._

_She knew._

_She knew._

Lily went to the crib and picked up her son, cradling her in her arms and crying as silently as she could. She could not run, she would not run. Although James had told her to run. As far and as fast as she could. She would not run.

_You're never more beautiful than when you smile. . ._

So she smiled. She would honour his last words to her. Lily looked down into her baby's eyes and she smiled, as he too, smiled back up at her. She numbed her ears to the sounds of war echoing outside the door, smiling through the tears that escaped her. Lily would honour his last words. She smiled still. Although it was hard she smiled down at Harry, and, seeing James within her son's smile, sobbed. But she still smiled.

And as her body weakened.  
She knew.

She knew that what her dreams had been warning her would happen for weeks had finally happened. Had finally become reality.

She knew.

And as she smiled, she knew.

And as she sobbed, she knew.  
And as she cried, she knew.  
And as she fell to her knees, baby in arms, she knew.  
And as Harry screamed, she knew.  
And as she screamed, she knew.  
And as all outside the door fell silent, she knew.  
She knew.  
She knew.

All was silent.  
She knew.

As the door creaked open, she knew.

She smiled.

She knew. . .


End file.
